I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT MY BLOG AND SOME COMMENTS.* DON'T GET ME WRONG I DO NOT DISSAGREE WITH ANY OF YOUR COMMENTS.* THE THING IS WHEN IS ENOUGH? I HAVE BEEN HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY DAUGHTER FOR 3 YEARS.* WHEN DO I PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.* I KNOW NOT GIVING HER ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS IS CRUEL, BUT DOES CLOTHES COUNT AS GIFTS.* SHE WAS TO GET AN IPOD, CELL PHONE, A FLAT IRON ONE OF THOSE TO STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR AND SOME MAKE-UP.* SO NOW ADVICE ME WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO?* I NEED ADVICE.*

Rosa, maybe you can just get her things she NEEDS instead of things she WANTS. Yes, clothes count as a gift. And maybe you can tell her that if she wants the IPOD, etc, that she will have to earn them by getting good grades and doing what she's supposed to do around the house. I don't know, I mean the truth is my kids aren't teens yet. Maybe other moms who have been where you are can give better advice.
I do understand how frustrated and helpless you're feeling because I've dealt with different but similar issues w/ my son's behavior. He's got ADHD and for awhile there, it was really tough with discipline problems at school and all. I know that doesn't help much right now, but just know that we all feel for you and want to help in any way we can. Feel free to vent when you need to, and hopefully we can help along the way. Take care, girl!!
Hugs,
Angie

when ours act up we take away tv's and stuff that they love. as for the x-mas thing,don't do it. just tell her she not getting any presents. it works for me. but, they do get them.

See I totally agree with Angie...Get her the things she NEEDS not WANTS. I'm not one for rewarding one with matiaralistic things...I would never tell my kids if you clean you room i'll get you this...they should do this automatically.* But over time as I see that there cleaning there room (for example), I will say lets go shopping for a toy..any toy you want because you have been doing great with keeping up your room.

Yes clothes is a gift...I would give her the nessicities and thats it.* If you get her what she wants...she'll know she can misbehave and get away with it..plus get "rewarded".* You can discipline by taking things away, but the main thing is that you CAN'T give in..cause if you do..it is over.* Just remember you are in control...you are her mother...maybe she is being like this because something is bothering her....try to find out..have one on one time with her..do something fun.* There is nothing in the world better than having quality time with your mother...try to do something that SHE likes.* Maybe this will make you guys stronger and she will be able to communicate more with you...after communication is the key.

Rosa, I don't mean to sound harsh, or insult you in any way, but you have been very open about your struggle with depression. Is it at all possible that part of her behavior is a reaction to that, or maybe a condition of her own? Kids need discipline, there is no doubt about it, but it has to make sense to them. I had a big hand in helping to raise my teenage brothers, and I found that reason and understanding above all works. Give her the oppertunity to talk to you, open and honest without the fear of punishment. Ask her what her plans are, her goals, her problems. Find out what she thinks the ideal situation would be, and see if you can work within bound of reason to make it happen. If you and your husband expect the worst from her, well that's exactly what you are going to get.
When I was a kid, everything I wanted or looked forward to doing was taken away or the threat to take it away was always present. There was no reason for me to try because I knew that eventually*what ever I earned would disappear. It also made it very hard for me to get excited about anything, I learned if you don't care about anything, then it doesn't hurt as much.*
I'm a big fan of collectively writing up " contracts " with teens. You all sit down, and determine the rules of the house, negotiate the punishments for not following them, and the rewards for doing well. Everyone is on the same page, and there is no arguement because evrything was agreed apon ahead of time. I've found that when you let kids come up with their own punishments in this forum, they are often harsher than you would be.
I still think Christmas is off limits. Let's remember though, we've got 2 months for her to pull her grades up.

looking back at the way my parents raised me, i think they did a great job even though as a kid, i'd not always like it. if*i wanted something like an ipod or a toy or whatever, i'd have to EARN it by helping out around the house, getting good grades, finding a little job like walking my neighbour's dog (which i still do haha) or by simply picking up coins from the street (my sister and i did this a few times and were able to buy things like those ant farm thingies hehe). for christmas i got toys as a young child but later on mostly useful things such as books, clothing, money*or just things i need, except for dog agility equipment but that is a HUGE hobby of mine. i think children really need to learn that they have to EARN things and WORK for things that they want. same with dogs - my dog has to at least sit if he wants anything, from going outside to getting his dinner. if i didnt do this with him, he'd become pushy and rude.

anyways, that's my story. goodluck!

oh, and about things being enough...if i wanted a cookie or something but my mum didn't want me to have one, she would say no and stick to it. we now joke about how, as a kid, id be sitting in the shopping cart crying my eyes out really loud because i didnt get something i wanted. i learned pretty quick though hehe. it may have seemed harsh at the time but i think it worked well. again, same with dogs (dog training and raising children always seems so similar to me haha), if my dog wants to be petted but i dont want to pet him, i just ignore him and eventually he goes away. if you're consistent, children (and animals) learned quite quickly.

Well, having been a 'problem' child myself, all I can say is that there isn't necessarily a single perfect answer.
I was a complete pain in the ass as a child (and still am depending on who you talk to).

A couple of things you might want to consider
- Be VERY consistent and honest.* If you want to be strict, that's OK and it's your choice but be VERY consisent in doing so.* Don't threaten punishment and then not follow thru and don't lie to her.
Do what you say you will do and you will eventually earn her respect (even if she doesn't like it or says she 'hates you'
- Ask other people (doctors/close friends,...etc) for advice and just sort of get a feel for what others have done.* I personally wouldn't ask the direct family.* At least in my family, they are too close to the situation.

I'm a little late at responding to this post but here goes anyway.* My oldest daughter just turned 17.* We had a lot of trouble with her especially between the ages of 13-15 1/2 or so.* I mean we had to call the police on her and really do some tough love.* I didn't think she'd make it with us.* I could go on and on about the troubles we had with her but she is now 17 and a senior in high school and WOW..this past year has been a total change in many different ways.* Sure she's not perfect but who of us are.* But she has changed around totally.* She is now so motivated on her school work and getting into College and the friends she has now are good kids and I don't have to worry about them.* I think that age from 13-16 are tough ages.* I don't know what age your child is but that's my input.* Like Dan said be honest, consistant and love them no matter what and keep talking to them even if they don't want too.* Good luck!

so did you end up talking with her or anything...how is things going?