thanks tatiana. i never really think of myself as a perfectionist, but i don't like my emotional and mental imperfections to show so freely - well, until i came here. it seems that letting it all hang out is one of the best things for me. i'll keep being here!

Tina, welcome. I will be waiting for your posts here.

Debbie, letting out imperfect things sometimes means letting out fears and becoming free.

Well, I have not been eating enough. Yesterday was a busy and lovely day and I got home feeling not hungry at all. But this morning I feel weak. IT's another side of the binge eating cycle - restricting food. I have to be aware of that.

One more thing that happened: my nephew is coming to visit tomorrow and I bought a chocolate cake (for him?!!! lier, lier, pants on fire, it was the old trick I played for many years buying sweets "for my son" and then eating them in secret).

So it's done, the cake is in the house. My nephew wouldn't care if he did not have the cake. How on Earth did this old pattern of lying come to life? Again? And when I was so sure that I wouldn't go back?!!!

What to do? I think about the cake. I think about it right now. I used to eat one cake almost at once during binges.

It's really helping to write about it honestly. When I worked with alcoholics, we used to say that relapse, the drinking, doesn't happen suddenly. It's the old behaviors and thoughts that come first. Thinking about alcohol, convincing yourself that it's okay to think about it, then going to the places where alcohol is served... and only after making it okay mentally the actual, physical drinking starts. The same thing happened to me yesterday. All so familiar.

Today I have learned that the binge attack may come very subtle... I have to be ready to track this and stop these thoughts and behaviors as soon as they begin.

Well, I'm up to page 10, july 7... got to work... I'll be back... by which time I'm sure there will be more pages!

Last night was bad... a binge... it shouldn't have happened, I let one of my 2 biggest triggers happen... eating past when I'm "satisfied"... but it was a SALAD... and I knew that I'd be hungry in an hour and have to go get it out of the fridge... yeah, great excuse... so I finished it... then I was "full" so, I had about 3/4 lb. of fake crab pieces... then 3 chocolates (6 is the serving) and 10 Ritz... at least it wasn't the whole pack of chocolates or ritz... and what was left in a pint of blueberries... I don't recall if there was more, but... possibly...but still, I went to sleep (and woke up) feeling full and crappy......... grr... PUT THE FRIGGIN SALAD IN THE FRIDGE... IT WILL NOT HURT YOU A BIT TO WALK THAT 20 FEET TO GET IT IN AN HOUR! (note to self)

Hoping to catch up with the thread soon... and keep the binging at bay!

~tina

Hey all! Weekend was GREAT! I feel I am back on track! I got behind on my water intake yesterday and this morning plus a lack of sleep....its left me with swollen hands and feet but I got home and started pounding the water down...I should be back to normal in a day or so. I will be weighing in tomorrow morning and am total unsure of what to expect. It really could go either way after the week I had. Anyway....I have managed to stay binge free since the 2 slip ups last week. So for this week....
No bingeing.
Daily exercise.
64 oz. of water daily minimum.
Go to the thread for support when tempted!

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts Tatiana.....you are a big part of my success....accountability counts for A LOT!

Nice to see all the new freedom seekers! Together we can beat this ugly thing!!

I guess I have binged in the past for being feeling of "entitlement" along with stuffing in awful feelings like depression, anxiety, fear, etc. Entitlement feeling comes from that feeling of getting the short end of the stick which I have felt my whole life. And binging also is a bad, bad habit.. even though I pretty much know the reasons for binge eating after doing so much soul searching, the habit alone is a difficult one to break.. the best thing to do is to break it slowly.. like replacing one bad habit with a good one and then in time replace another with another good one, and eventually the binge eating will truly be under control.. thats what I am hoping for myself anyway.

Ok, I finally got the whole thread read.

Last night's binge apparently didn't appease the binge monster, because I had another, although much smaller, episode today.

Right now, I'm just THINKING about it.... trying to come up with a convincing excuse for another binge... I'm winning so far... sucking down a ton of water, but I'm worried... maybe a nap will help. My 2 biggest triggers are being tired and eating past when I'm satisfied. So... I'm not hungry, ANY eating would be until I'm past satisfied... so maybe a nap. I'll let you all know tomorrow how I survived!

how do i know if i have trigger foods if i don't understand what those are?

Hey Kelly! Tatiana explained about trigger foods on the last page I think.....they are foods that trigger a binge. For example...say it 9PM and I just went into my kitchen and I don't want to binge. BUT, I grab a bag or OREOS and I know if I have just one cookie....the rest of the bag is gonna follow...or maybe just 10 or 20 cookies but I know I won't be stopping there...after that I am gonna grab a bag of chips and start in on them. Ok...so for ME....my trigger food is OREO....the one thing I know that if I have one cookie its gonna spark a binge.....for some people its ice cream, or chocolate, or anything....they know if they have one taste of it....they are not gonna stop eating.

Had a good night last night....binge free....weighed in this morning at 144.2 pounds! Not much of a loss but I am so sooooooo pleased it was a drop. I did binge 2 times last week so I was nervous as I was already at my original weight.

Oh yes...its gonna be a better week this week....am already excited about weighing in next Monday (I weigh daily for motivation though...just report on Mondays)

tatiana - how'd you do with the cake? it is so true that the thoughts come first and the feelings usually too. it is wonderful how you really were honest with yourself and us about the cake. the binges do have a way of trying to make a comeback - but you are strong - let us know how you did!

as for me, i am moving towards kicking the binges out again. my strategy this past year was to change the night time eating habits little by little. so again i will do that. tonight and tomorrow night i will only eat veggies if i find myself hungry at night. i will GO TO SLEEP with my husband - when i stay up late on my own i will eat. when i don't sleep i then eat more that night and the next day as i ward of fatigue. then i will give myself a break on Wed and Thurs nights and eat whatever snacks feel ok those nights. I will still work towards going to sleep early. I am not making that a have to for those 2 nights. Friday night will be crazy as it's the night before we move - i'm sure i
ll be up late packing - not time to binge.

as for daytimes, that hasn't been quite as bad or as binge-y. i've been busy during my son's naps. i will watch what and how much i eat though as i am back into the binge way of eating - eating past full, eating quickly, and eating whatever i damn well please ( i say it like that because it comes with an entitled, rebellious voice).

i am going to start slowly and little by little. Big grand changes just don't work for me - sets me up to fail.

i'll check here a but more this week until the move - not sure how long til the computer will be up again after that.

Well, I woke up this morning with a binge-over... survived most of the morning on coffee with soy milk... around 11 I had an egg and 2 slices of bacon... NOW my body claims that I'm "starving", yeah, right, when 1/2 hour ago the meer THOUGHT of food made me cringe... so I'm going to have some water and take my vitamins...

My goal is to not binge between now and lunch, then my goal will be to not binge between lunch and dinner, then my goal will be to not eat after dinner unless I'm really, truly, physically hungry, then have a Fiber-One bar with lots of water. That's for today, which will be day 1...

I have given more thought to the reasons and feelings of the binge... yesterday my stomach hurt, so I fed it some more... makes no sense... If I had a pain elsewhere... I would NOT repeat the action that caused the pain.

I was force fed as a child, I could not leave the table until my plate was empty... more food than my teenagers eat at a sitting... As I was cooking dinner, I looked at the 9 chicken breast tenders I was cooking, trying to imagine why I would even consider putting them all on one plate and placing them, with side-dishes, in front of a 4 year old... Sadistic? Ignorant? Insane? I didn't really come up with anything, but... I do know that I need to serve myself what I would serve my kids... and if they said they weren't hungry... they wouldn't HAVE TO eat... I need to be nicer to me. I have bad habits from being force-fed... I know that the faster I eat, the more I can eat... and after years of that... I eat FAST! I need to slow down, I'm grown-up now and NO ONE can force me to eat (well except me, and I need to quit that).

Thanks for listening... I never tell anyone else about my childhood eating...