Hi Ladies... yay to Debbie
And thanks Ellie for our talk... stupid men!!! lol
Anyway, to update everyone else, I'm not doing great. I had this friend that was a mutual of me and Irfan, and she kept telling me stuff but I was like "I don't want to hear about it!!!" But anyway. She came over on Saturday to hang with me, and told me that Irfan had slept with Justine, that girl from Regina that I was soooo freakin' worried he would sleep with. She had come up to visit Jesica (the mutual friend) and I guess that's when it happened. That night, Jesica ended up hooking up with the guy that she had known for a week that I liked. It hurt.. a lot. I ended up smoking, even though I don't smoke! LOL.
The next day, I was wishing another friend Happy Birthday on Facebook, and she's a friend of his too...so I saw his profile picture under "mutual friends". By accident, I was honestly not looking for it. But it was there. And it was different than it had been, so I went to his profile. BIG MISTAKE (stupid stupid Amanda). His status was set to "in a relationship" with HER...I prefer to call her Sir Skank-a-lot LMAO (I'm evil, but bitter...). Also, he had commented that she took his picture. It was a really good picture... Sigh. She was at his house. Met his parents. We had dated for nearly two months and he wouldn't even let me go to his house. It made me angry. Plus I keep imagining them together... not on purpose, but I'm a very imaginative person and I keep seeing them... naked... Sigh. And his amazing picture. So that bothered me. A lot.
And then I see on his Nexopia account, that his status is "dating"... he wouldn't change it when we were together. He would leave me comments like "I love you", and leave mine up there.. but still. And on the bottom of his page is Sir Skank-a-lot's name with hearts....and Jesica told me that he had told her he loves her. He slept with her less than a week after he broke up with me. He's dating her now, about two weeks after we broke up. She's back in Saskatchewan now, but still.... ARGH. It KILLS me.
I wrote the new gf a letter on Facebook.. at first it was going to be evil and "I hate you" and all that. But then, I ended up making it nice and saying I loved him but I need to warn her. You see, I have an STD. I hate the fact, but I told him about it before we slept together. I doubt he told her. So I did.. I wanted to be sure she protected herself, because I wasn't told about it before I slept with my "donor". I didn't want other girls to have the same thing. I guess she had showed the letter to Irfan (not surprising) because he called me and was bitching me out about it "How could I do that" etc. It shook me up a lot, and I hung up the phone. I also ignored the next time he called. It must have pissed him off, because he blocked me from his Nexopia profile (won't let me write messages) and hasn't "stalked" my page since it happened. The new whore also messaged me back, saying I'm jealous and psycho and scaring the shit out of her. Then blocked me. I didn't speak a word of a lie to her.
So I'm angry, bitter, sad.... oh so sad. I'm so hurt. I feel like I'm dying inside. Luckily, I've been really good about the harming thing, but I've been stuffing my face like crazy and not had the energy to get out of bed or do anything. My place is a mess and everything... EVERYTHING.. in my life is suffering because I'm an emotional person. I know I'm overreacting... sometimes I get my mind off of it for a few brief moments and then the self-conciousness kicks back in... Fortunately, at the moment I think I'm absolutely gorgeous (my webcam gives great angles!) but I hate my body. LOATHE it. I saw from the neck down on webcam and burst into tears. I'm so big! I want to be toned and slim and...normal? Just not me. I'm seriously thinking about looking into liposuction.
Oh where to start... I feel so lost. There are many things to change, but which should come first? The keystone, so to speak. My weight? My license? A job/career? My emotional issues? My mental issues? Money matters? The messy apartment? Lack of friends? Church? I know different angles... but I certainly can't start them all at once! Baby steps they say... microscopic even... but at this point, it's difficult to know what direction to even face, nevermind taking a step forward. It's so freakin' hard. I just feel like curling up in a little ball and never getting up.
Ps... sorry it turned into more of a blog, but I figured you guys wouldn't mind... thanks for listening
01-12-2008, 05:33 AM
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