What does a KISS and a SPIDER WEB have in common???

They both lead to the undoing of the fly!!!


...... OR ....... I got this from a BUDDY...

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Drugs".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose! !"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ...

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called .. therapy

This one is good !! Enjoy

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year?
4. Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. (heh heh heh)


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
(classic)
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. (I
love this one)

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the
item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter
asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter
looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all
this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.
It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information. "OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So
if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied
back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom. And... saving the best
for last!

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on
his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have
continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was
listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty
much over at that point...

Here is another funny one

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds ... They take sooo ooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like P arking Spots . All the good ones are taken, ;the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

LIFECYCLE BACKWARDS
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get in the end of it?

Death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1)

You should die first,

you know, start out dead,

get it out of the way.

You wake up in a an old age home,

feeling better every day.

(2)

You get kicked out for being too healthy,

go collect your pension,

then, when you start work,

you get a gold watch

on your first day.

(3)

You work 40 years until you're young enough

to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol,

you party,

you're generally promiscuous

(hey, you've only got

a few years left,

what's the big deal?!?)

and you get ready

for High School.

(4)

Then you go to primary school,

you become a kid,

you play,

you have no responsibilities,

and, finally,

you become a baby;

(5)

The last step,

you spend your last 9 months

floating peacefully

with luxuries like

central heating,

spa,

room service on tap,

larger quarters everyday,

and then


You finish off as an orgasm!

You will get a kick out of this one.......

This is priceless!!



POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"


I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy . the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........

This cracks me up every time I see it.

Originally Posted by Sissy

Riddles
1) Forward I'm heavy, backwards I'm not. What am I?

2) An archeologist claims he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C. Do you believe him?

3) How many birthdays does the average man have?

4) If you had one match and entered a room in which there were a kerosene lamp, an oil burner, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?

5) A clerk in a butcher's shop is five foot ten. What does he weigh?

* I will return with the answers later!

#3 Man has only one birthday
#4 I'd light the match
#5 He weighs meat!

Don't know about the other two.....