This is a lot harder than I thought it would be...and you know me...I've been putting it off cuz I want it to be PERFECT....
Well, I was born in a small north central Oklahoma town, where I lived all the way until i left for college. I have 2 brothers, on older one, and a younger one. I have been heavy my whole life. OR should I say FELT heavy my whole life. My mom says that even when I was born, I had huge thighs. I have a lot of emotional baggage related to my weight issues because my parents always made me feel like I was inadequate. For as long as I can remember, they have told me I needed to lose weight. We talk all the time now, and I consider us pretty close, but I still have a lot of bitterness toward them about my weight. I guess I blame part of my problem with food on them. When I think back now, I was emotionally abused. It's scary giving it that title, but when your dad calls you tubby and lard ass and crude names like that when he's mad at you...doesn't that deserve that title? I can remember times when my mom would get frustrated with me growing up and say "look at your arms, allyson, they are bigger than mine". it was very hurtful to hear my parents talk to me like that. I feel like they made me turn to food for comfort. I feel like that is still one of my problems today is that I can still remember those hurtful words. There are many, many situations growing up that made me just hurt inside. When I would hurt, I would turn to food. I remember when I was a SR in high school, my mom wouldnt pay for me to get my SR pics til I lost some weight. In college, she told me that her and my dad had been talking and they were concerned that Jake didnt really care for me because they had decided that Jake was trying to fatten me up by taking me out to eat all the time...so that no one else would want me. THAT really hurt me because JAKE was the only one who always loved me no matter what size I was. Those are just a few things that they have done to me that still affect the way I think of myself today. What frustrates me so much is that I look back at pics now and I wasnt even very big back then! I looked great! But i never had anyone telling me I looked fine, and I wasnt mature enough or comfortable enough with myself to not care what my parents said to me.
All through school I always had a lot of friends, and always had boys who liked me. That made me feel validated that I just might be ok. I met my husband Jake in the cafeteria of our high school when I was 15. He was 16 and was gorgeous! It was kinda one of those things where I told my friends I thought he was hot, and they teased me about it everyday...so I liked him more and more. He was new to our school and to our town, and didn't really have a lot of friends yet. We always rigged it so that we were standing behind him in lunch line so that I could talk to him. It was the first time in my life that I had the courage and self-esteem to go after someone I liked. I dont know what it was that made me do it! Anyway, after inviting him several times to hang out with us at the bowling alley, he finally came one night. After that night, we talked on the phone constantly and quickly fell in love. We were inseperable. He was so good to me, and loved me unconditionally. Jake and I got in a lot of trouble together in high school (if you know what I mean
), so of course my parents didnt approve of him most of the time. They often encouraged me to break up with him.
After high school, I left to go to school at Oklahoma State University, and Jake joined the Army and left for basic training. He was stationed in Fort Hood, TX. We had a few rocky years together while we were living in different states. We were both changing and doing a lot of growing up, among other things, but amazingly we made it through! Jake asked me to marry him after my Freshman year of school, and we got married at the end of my SR. year on March 16, 2002.
I moved to TX after I graduated and began teaching elementary school. After 2 years of marriage, I was pregnant with our first baby. We found out I was preggo just a month before Jake would be leaving for Iraq. Jake was in Iraq for my whole pregnancy and came home for his 2 week R&R leave just in time for Jacob Russell to arrive. 7 months later, we found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. When I was 7 months pregnant, Jake got out of the Army and moved to Arkansas to start his new job with Schlumberger Oilfield Services Co. I had already started the school year, so I moved in with a friend and stayed in TX until I had Cooper in December of 2005. After spending my maternity leave with Jake in Arkansas, I packed up and went back to TX to finish the last 4 months of school with a 6 week old and a 17 month old BY MYSELF. At the end of the school year, we all moved back to Arkansas to live as a family again! After teaching 4 years in TX, I had to take a year off when we moved to Arkansas because I didnt have my certification. I gained a lot of weight during this time because I was so lonely and bored without friends and family around. My husband worked over 100 hours a week, and I was alone most of time. So I spent a lot of time with my best friend : FOOD!
After living in Arkansas for a year, my husband decided to take a new job with HAlliburton. He would be working overseas for 35 days at a time, but then would be home for 35 days at a time. The good thing about this job was that we could live where ever we wanted...so we decided to move back to our hometown in Oklahoma to be closer to my family and our friends. So in July 2007 we packed up and moved to OK. I started out the year as a contracted substitute, but was hired on as a second grade teacher when they added a class in Sept. Shortly after we moved to OK, I got pregnent with our 3rd child. Joleigh Nichole was born on April 23, 2008. Jake travels a lot with his job, but is getting to see the world! So far he has been all over the US, Indonesia, and soon will be in Algeria. HE misses us so much when he is away, and we miss him like crazy too...but he is doing what he needs to do for our family. I appreciate him so much and admire him for making the sacrifice to make some good money for us! We have lived apart for a lot of our relationship, and somehow we make it work. Now, he is home just long enough for me to be sick of him, and gone just long enough for me to miss him
Just kidding...I really cherish our time together. I'm amazed that I feel so strongly for him after all of these years....its been 12 already! He is my best friend. Sure, we have problems, but we always seem to work through them, loving each other even more afterwards.
I am on Buddy Slim because my friend Courtney and I needed a place to communicate and blog about our weight loss. I have been on many diets in the past...and they all pretty much worked...it was me who didnt keep the willpower to stick to it. I started weight watchers again at the beginning of June. I am making a life change this time, and want to do it the healthy way. Ok, this next part makes me cringe...but, I am going to admit something now that I have only recently admitted to Courtney. I have suffered from some strange form of bulimia in the past. I say it like that because its hard for me to admit that I was bulimic when it never made me thin. Beginning my freshman year of college, when I was in diet mode...I would obsess about it. I am an all or nothing kinda girl, always have been. So, when I would mess up on my diet or binge on food, I was so overcome with guilt that I learned to make myself sick. Ever since then, up until last year, anytime I was in "diet mode" and messed up...I got rid of it. It is strange to me, because I have no problem binging or not paying any attention to what I am eating...when I am off a diet. But when I am in that mode...I want it to be perfect...I dont wanna fall off of it, and that is how I have dealt with it. I am happy to say that I made the decision this time to stay away from that. I even told Courtney about it, so that I would feel guilty doing it. I am going to stick to it this time.
I feel like I am a strong woman because I have been able to make it through so many obstacles on my own. I have learned how to live by myself and how to take care of 3 kids on my own while my husband works. But, a lot of strength that I have, comes from knowing that I have a man in my life that loves me so much. Lately, I have been thinking and worrying about how strong I could be if I didnt have Jake by my side. I don't plan on anything happening to us, or to him, but am afraid that I don't love myself enough to be able to make it on my own without his love. That scares me. I wonder why I am even thinking about that...but, I have. I would be a mess without knowing that he loves me. I need to build myself up stronger and learn to love myself so that if (God forbid) I ever have to stand on my own, I can.
Speaking of God. One of my goals is to strengthen my relationship with HIM. I have fallen out of going to church. I have been so consumed in my life, that I have neglected that part of me. That is something I am going to start working on right now.
Well, that was me in a nutshell...I'm sure I'll read it later and realize I have left so much out. It makes me feel so much better seeing myself on paper!!
Ally
06-19-2008, 07:53 AM
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