Hey diamonds. I'm back. Last week was absolutely terrible. My grandfather was 73 yrs old, he had lung cancer, and was doing chemo and actually things were looking up. But at about 2 am monday morning, he started coughing, then coughing up blood, then he started hemmoraging, and they couldnt make the bleeding stop. His aeorta had burst, they think the chemo made everything weaker, so when he started to cough, it ruptured. He was the sweetest man ever. Things like this always make you wish you had seen them more, but you always think you have more time. Ever if doctors say they could die, you never REALLY think they will. Like my dad, he died shortly after the smallest of about 5 surgeries, and I didnt get to the hospital until after he was already in the operating room. I didnt get to tell him I loved him or anything, I never wouldve suspected that a tiny surgery would do him in.
I have the rep in the family as the "tough" one. Yeah its flattering, I dont cry much and I always try to lighten the mood. But the downfall is that everyone thinks "Oh dont worry about Melissa, she'll be fine, shes tough" so no one really asks how I am doing. I am the one who is always asking someone else. When dad died, everyone was worried about my big sister, not me. I had to be there for her, and I was, but no one seemed to notice how much it hurt me with the exception of my boyrfriend Danny who was there for the whole thing and saw how I was overlooked. Its alot to take on.
As of now, I have cried my tears to myself, and I am ok. Its jarring to know that the only men I have left in my life are my boyfriend and stepdad, and lord help me if something ever happens to them. But I am ok right now, not great, ok tho.
My focus for the week is to get back on board with my weight loss. I bought a pair of juniors jeans, size 11, which tickles me. I just cant get back into the right mindset. I am trying to be happy, I really am. I appreciate you guys so much for your prayers and everything. I'm not used to someone actually thinking that maybe Melissa needs a hug. Its been like that my whole life. I guess I did it to myself, I am the mean one, the one that is loud and obnoxious, and never cries. But anywho, thanks you guys for being patient. I have missed you so...