Ok so I think it's time to open up a bit to all of ye Rockstars and give ye an insight as to where I've come from. Some of ye may have read some of this before in one of my earlier blogs, but.... anyway... here it goes.

I'm the eldest of 4 girls, born in Tralee in Co. Kerry. My Dad always treated me as a boy, so I grew up playing hurling, football, climbing trees. I was always big into sports and played as much as I could. But I was also pretty sick as a kid so I couldnt do too much. Thanks to recurrent throat infections that would stink out my house, I was always skinny... until I had my tonsils out when I was 4 and discovered the that food didnt taste of.... well... the way it tasted. I also developed some kidney problems around that time, so I was put on steroids for about 6 years.

Anyhew, because I started to love my food, I started to eat... alot! My earliest memory of having an eating problem, is one given to me by my Mom. She used to remind me when I was younger, that she caught me stuffing my face with an entire blackforest gateaux (which she was saving for visitors) when I was about 3 or 4. After then, she would catch me sleep walking and eating rakes of food out of the press and the fridge. She then put child locks on all the presses, on the fridge and the freezer so I couldnt get at the food…. it didnt work… I was a strong young one and I just forced the fridge open and figured out the latch on the presses!

Next memory was a birthday party when I was about 10. I gorged myself so badly that Dad had to hold me over the bath while I vomitted. After that, Mom put me on my 1st diet… watching everything I ate like a hawk. Weighing me every Saturday morning at the bottom of the hall. Giving out to me when I gained weight or didnt record a loss. She never called me “fat” (that I can remember)…. but actions certainly do speak volumes to a 10 year old. Looking back on it now, I was still on steroids, had a big moon face, and it was tough to physically see any weight loss or any toning up at that stage.

Ok… from that moment on I yo-yo’d like a mad one. I’d eat secretly, by myself. I wouldnt eat when we we’re out. I grew up in a very small community. Mom told all her friends that I was on a diet… word got around very quickly that the fattest kid in Cappa was trying to lose weight. People would stop in their cars when they saw me out walking to ask how my weightloss was going. I found it embarressing. Mortifying when some people actually said “yes, you could do with losing alot of weight”. So as a result, I avoided eating out. I became paranoid. I became introverted. I became obsessed.

1st time I severly restricted food, I was in my teens and I lasted about 2 weeks living off apples and salad. I started diarying my thoughts. I recently read through some of those diaries and what was going on then…. disturbing. I can remember wishing I could make myself throw up after eating, because I thought it was easier than what I was going through… but a phobia of vomit stopped me. I started running in the morning, and going for an hour walk after school. I did karate twice a week. The running in the morning had to stop because Mom told me that people had seen me running, and she didnt want that… can you believe that?!

College - 2nd year - I became bulimic. Not the vomit kind (remember… fear of puke). I would eat and eat and eat… and then go to the gym for 2 hours to sweat out the calories. I also started taewon-do and went to 6 classes a week, as well as my gym. As a result, I was able to binge all I wanted and still maintain my heavy weight. I didnt lose any weight.

College - 4th year - I got selected for the Irish team. Started training 7 days a week. Started to feel a bit of pressure to lose weight. I had to get into a lower weight division because of my height. I started taking laxitives 2 days before a competition weigh in to make the weight.

Post College - for the past 3 years since I left college, I have swung between full blown not eating, and laxitives. My weight has slowly dropped from 182lbs to 154lbs… which was what I was at when I was selected for the taekwon-do Worlds… and then asked to drop below 61kg (that’s 134lbs) in 2 months to make a weight category. I did it. It was tough. It was awful. Living off banana’s, nuts and salad for 2 months. Laxitive abuse before my weekly national weigh in to make sure I was on track. At the Worlds, I didnt eat or drink for a day and half before the official weigh in to make my weight (which I did).

After the Worlds, the constant working out and poor diet got the best of me. My body decided it didnt like what I’d put it through for the past 7 years. My legs hurt so bad, I could barely walk. I had to stop training for 3 months, and regained all the weight I’d lost during the summer.

March 2008 is when a google search literally saved my life. I found Buddyslim.

Since March, I have binged, but I'm getting better at recognising triggers and picking myself up after it. My whole outlook on life has changed. I've changed jobs, enrolled in a college course that I want to do, not one that others feel I should do. I'm more grateful for the life I have, for the wonderful boyfriend that loves me for me, regardless of how much I way. Thanks to blogging, I've found the strength to forgive my Mom (which she cant understand how I could forgive her), and we're slowly rebuilding our relationship. I'm happier in my own skin. I'm looking forward to my future, which is something I have never done before.

So that's my story in a nut shell.